realizations of probably regular proportions
it’s funny, when you feel like you’re on the precipice of something vague and heavy and strong, that’s when you most feel that no matter how much things change, everything will always stay the same. you see with a vision so detached and yet connected to that state of detachment.. you feel as though you’re home. i feel like i’m deflated and empty, but I’m soaring..there can’t be a true lack of substance if the vessel still exists.. the vessel has substance, too, no? well, duh. and so i have reached my ridiculous turning point, the obviousness and clarity of it all causing me to want to throw my head back and just laugh. slow and deep and exaggerated, in mockery of all the fears and doubts i’ve ever had that have taunted me in a similar manner. and then naturally and subtly, it is more genuine. i can feel my heart laughing now… it truly is all inside of me. whatever it is that’s in front of me, it isn’t all arbitrary. it comes from somewhere. i feel almost embarrassed for living so passively these last 8 months or so. but it’s a loving kind of embarrassment that makes me want to mess with my past self’s hair and laugh at me lovingly. i just think it’s so funny how scared i’ve been for no real reason whatsoever. i know that life goes on, there will always be trials for me to face and moments that will test my character and my resolve, but i also know that, when it comes to feelings, all you can really do is sit with them. that’s where it all starts, really sitting with your feelings. so that’s what i’ve done and this is me acknowledging the vibrations of my mind and soul in the current moment. there was a deep sadness inside me that of course stemmed from fear…and i sat with it for once, instead of blindly accepting it and being consumed by it. and almost immediately something in my head began picking away at it, making it smaller and smaller until all i was left with was me without the fear-borne mindclouds.. and this me is made up of tranquility, honestly. all around me and within me are both the most violent ocean storms and the symphonic soundtrack that lends a concrete beauty to the chaos. and tomorrow is going to be just like today and yesterday and every day i’ve ever lived, and even though i was always ready, i’m taking the time to remind myself once more that i am, just in case. kk. peace out nigs night.
I was pulled into a random group hug by some good friends and a speech of sorts was made about how loved I am and how there are always people who are going to be there for me and blaaah blaah blaaah it was very moving and very needed and I am just feeling so much better right now than I was when I woke up and even though everything is still essentially the same in my life, with the last couple of days I notice my soul is slowly starting to light up again. and after these past few months I am just very ready to let go of a lot of the negativity and fear that has been weighing me down and just try and be the wind again.
A person I know told me today that he has a mathematical system for understanding human beings, and that over the years he has been able to see predictable patterns. But I, he said, stumped him and the graph turns into like some kind of whacked parabola and there are too many variables to account for.
Needless to say, this made me want to die.
Cause I’m over here like hey I’m just a girl yo I’m a human too guys.
This room is broken, lingering. Earnestly professing knowledge and collectedness, but doing so shamefully in vain. In the mirror I see the room abandoned. The sun is in the corner, glowing a dim but intense orange. It seems as if the whole of the star is immersed in a thick permeating shadow. Silently the light ebbs in a hypnotizing, almost undulant rhythm. All life in the room hesitates within the shadow cast by the star’s turned eye.